A fellow Brooklyn mama recently asked for my take on this post. The gist being that we need to delineate between the relationships that we have with our children and the jobs of parenting, and that it is the relationship that matters and the jobs (cooking cleaning, laundry, nap time, etc.) that can really create the grind of mothering. I particularly love the last sentence which asks us to reflect on how to have the intensity of the relationship with our children without the grind of the jobs of mothering, and that we each need to find our own way through this.
I am going to suggest, that it is the pressure that we put on ourselves to be "prefect" moms that creates much of this grind, or at least adds significantly to it. Perfection is a myth, something that we will never attain, because there is always someone who is doing ________ better. In Brene Brown's new book Daring Greatly, which I will probably referenece many more times-it is just that good, she talks about how mothering is one of the greatest sources of shame for women. Shame can suck the life and joy out of us. Shame is the grind to me.
Most mothers, compare themselves to other mothers, or what we think other mothers are doing, and determine that we do not measure up. When we are in a place of shame and our inner critics are yelling, it is all consuming and puts us in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. I know that I have been at the playground with my son and saw another mother, "doing it better" by singing more, "playing better", saying wittier things to her children, being more emotive (the list goes on) and I immediately go into "compare and despair" and into a shame spiral in which I am not present for my child or myself. Because I am a therapist, who focuses on attachment, my shame gremlins (as Brene Brown calls them) tell me that I am not connecting with my son enough on an emotional level, despite my intellectual knowledge that I am a good mom and that my son is securely attached to me.
Even if we are not mothers, there can be shame about why we are not mothers yet for whatever reason, be they that we are not in a relationship, have had difficulty conceiving, do not want to be mothers, etc. Some mothers' inner critics get loud about our housekeeping (or lack of it), the way we feed our children, how much we work outside the home, how our children are comparing to other children their age-again the list goes on.
I ask that we all take a stand against our own inner critics and when we hear them talking (or yelling at us-they can be nasty!):
1) Acknowledge that your inner critic has the floor
2) Quiet the inner critic-take some deep breaths, thank it for trying to help you be a great mom and then tell it to shove it, re-connect with your child or your purist intentions as a mom
3) Share how this inner critic took over momentarily with a trusted caring person in your life
Furthermore I ask you to consider:
1) What do I do as a mom/parent that REALLY stresses me out?
2) Can I get help or support around these particular tasks (either paid or ask partners, friends, family)?
3) What are some of the expectations of myself that I can let go of?
4) What are my standards and how did these come to be?
5) Are these standards realistic?
6) Where can I ease up on myself?
7) Know that it can't ALL get done and be OK with that. A very dear and wise friend said if the dishes are done and I cooked dinner all week, no laundry is done, if all of the laundry is done and put away-no cooking dinner, and if I want to actually see people hardly anything gets done-so true!
In the end, when our children are grown up, we are not going to wish that we did a better job cleaning the house, making sure the laundry was always folded neatly and put away right away, or that every meal was organic. We will be thinking of our relationship with our children-how we nurtured them, provided for their emotional needs, gave them a secure base, loved them completely and wholly for who they are, and all of the many joyful heartfelt moments that we spent with them. That is what matters and tell THAT to the inner critic.
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