When Is the right time for couples therapy?

One of the hardest things I see as a couples therapist is that couples are coming in to therapy too late to salvage their relationships. Most couples wait until things are very bad to come into therapy and at that point, both people are more fully entrenched in their positions and are in a standoff, and a lot of hurt and damage to the relationship has already ocurred. There is sadly, very little a couples therapist can do when one of the partners has one foot out the door. Many people view couples therapy as a last ditch effort prior to divorce or separation, which sets both the relationship and the therapy up for failure.  Couples therapy is so much more effective when people come in when they first start to see a problem. Just like in medicine, prevention and early detection are much better predictors of a successful outcome than when there is already a big problem. The negative communication patterns, or dances, in a relationship are much like cancer-the more they are left unchecked, the more they grow and take over the relationship until there is little or nothing left of the couple's original connection. Unfortunately, many couples come in when their negative patterns have eaten away at the foundation of their relationship.

I can see why people would wait to go to couples therapy. It is an expense, it is a time commitment, and it can be emotionally uncomfortable. But when you are not happy in your relationship, nothing else seems right and you are actually at a much higher risk for depression, anxiety, and physical health issues. We are wired for connection and when we do not have that safe and secure bond with our beloved, our stress hormones go through the roof and we cannot function at an optimal level emotionally, physically, or spiritually. On the reverse, when we feel a safe emotional connection and when we feel seen, heard, and loved by our significant other we feel safe to explore the world. Just as a two year old needs to know that his trusted caregivers are nearby to catch him if he falls, so do us adults. it makes us all feel safer to explore the world if we know that there is someone at home who really has our back.

Here are some signs that couples therapy may be right for you at this time:

• You don't feel the same connection to your partner that you used to
• You feel misunderstood by your partner
• You feel angry at your partner often
• You avoid coming home or seeing your partner
• You get anxious or nervous at the thought of seeing your partner
• When you try to connect with your partner it often ends up in a fight
• The bad times are outnumbering the good
• One of you is contemplating (or is in) an affair
• You fantasize about leaving and feel like you would be better off on your own
• Your main emotional support is someone other than your partner (other emotional supports are great-I am talking about your primary person)
• You feel like your partner does not have your back or is constantly undermining or criticizing you
• You feel like you are the last thing on your partner's list or that your partner cares about other things or people more than you
• One or both of you is struggling with addiction (or overuse of): porn, alcohol or drugs, video games, TV etc.
• Your sex life is not what you want it to be
•  You have tried to talk about your relationship, but it ends up in a fight or just doesn't happen
•  The issues in your relationship are being pushed under the rug
• You are going through a particularly stressful time, such as: the birth of a child, a medical issue, difficulty conceiving, the death or illness of a loved one etc.
• There is a particular issue that is leaving the two of you stuck, like: whether or not to marry, ahve a/nother child, where to live, how much sex to have etc

No relationship is perfect and even in the best of relationships, couples fight and that is normal. It is often not the fighting in relationships that is the problem, it is the way that certain types of fighting or communicating can erode the feelings of safety, trust, comfort, and connection in the relationship. I feel that even the healthiest of relationships can benefit from couples therapy at one time or another in the course of the relationship. Let's face it, relationships are very hard and most of us do not have models for how to do it right. Couples therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) in particular, helps couples understand their negative cycles, or dances, that they get caught up in and then helps them rebuild their connection from the bottom up. When you have that connection with your partner in which you feel loved, cared for, heard, understood, protected it gives you a safe haven to come home to every day so that you can go out and rock the world. Why put that off? Why put your happiness as an individual and as a couple off to a future date when things are really bad? You both deserve better than that.